getting old

The other day I went to the doctor for a physical exam that I needed for my PC application. I don't have health care, but I found the place here in Santa Cruz called El Centro de Salud para Mujeres that would treat me for free. As part of the exam, the doctor checked my skin. Noticing my rosy red cheeks, she asked me if I wear sunscreen. Just this simple question had me explaining, apologizing, and promising that I would wear sunscreen from now on. And I was amazed that a doctor, a woman I've never met before, can ask just one simple question and make me feel so guilty. I guess I've just never noticed the power that doctors can have over us just by being doctors. I was reminded of this again later during my pelvic exam. As she swabbed my cervix for the pap smear, she said, "Well there's a little bit of bleeding, but it's probably nothing." Of course "it's probably nothing" translates in my head to "I'm sorry, you have cancer, you need treatment, you can't go on the Peace Corps," and plenty of other horrifying thoughts. Once again, what amazing power doctors have over us. Or probably more precisely, what amazing power we give doctors in our minds. By the way, I got the results of my pap smear and everything is perfectly normal, of course. But I was actually a little scared to see the results. I guess I've always had this mentality that I'm young and healthy, nothing bad is going to happen to me, I have nothing to fear. But now I understand why so many people, like my mom for instance, are afraid to go to the doctor. Afraid to find out that something is wrong. I've just had my first little taste of that fear. I guess I'm getting old...